On getting comfortable.

He was squirming last night before bed:
Dana: I can't get comfortable.
Jeanine: Maybe if you stopped moving around you'd get comfortable.
Dana: Maybe if you stopped complaining I'd get comfortable.

On acne.

The other night I pointed out the big, huge zit on my cheek:
Dana: I love it. I want to name it and make love to it. I want to have its children. I will name her ... Louise. Weezy for short.

On Patooting.

After he smacked my ass:
Dana: I hit your Patootie. Patootie! Patoot! Patoot!
Jeanine: That's very funny. Now stop with the patooting.
Dana: You'll never patoot in this town again.

On Internet Porn.

While looking at internet porn:
Jeanine: Look at her boobs! They're massive!!
Dana: And they look about as delicate as turtle shells.

On Making Dinner.

Jeanine: What do you want for dinner tonight?
Dana: Chicken and pasta!
Jeanine: Why don't you make it for a change?
Dana: Ham and cheese sandwiches!

On Cooking.

Jeanine: how do you cook a poached egg?
Dana: you put it in water.
Jeanine: how do you know when it's done?
Dana: a little timer goes off.

On Being Demanding.

Dana: I want to drive by Slacker's.
Jeanine [who was driving]: What do you say?
Dana: Now, woman!

On Small Cars.

While sitting in the backseat of the 2-Door Civic for the first time:
Jeanine: How is it back there?
Dana: It's great. I love that I can rest my chin on my knees.

On Hating.

Jeanine: That guy's hair is dumb.
Dana: Now you're just hating to entertain yourself.

On Good Choices.

Jeanine: This sandwich is really good! Good choice!
Dana: I knew you'd like it. You'd better put out tonight.

On His Safety.

At Brooke's party Dana swatted a bee away from his face and it came towards me:
Jeanine: Hey! That almost hit me!
Dana: It's all about my safety.

On Harry Potter.

On Friday night I was quizzing him on Harry Potter and asked him what Harry's owl's name was:
Dana: Bird? Hoo? Hoo Bird? Scorpion?

On Being Plain.

While Dana was deciding what he wanted for lunch the other day:
Jeanine: This plain, no-frills cheeseburger looks right up your alley.
Dana: I'll stick it right up your alley.

On Getting Comfortable.

He was squirming one night before bed:
Dana: I can't get comfortable.
Jeanine: Maybe if you stopped moving around you'd get comfortable.
Dana: Maybe if you stopped complaining I'd get comfortable.

On Cleaning the Waffle House.

Someone puked on the wall in Waffle House's bathroom:
Jeanine: Who's got to clean that up?!
Dana: The same guy who made my eggs :takes a bite of his sandwich:

On Doing His Bidding.

Dana: I want water.
Jeanine: Is there anything else that you will require while I'm downstairs, Sire?
Dana: Do my bidding in silence.

On Candles of Doom.

While looking at Halloween Decorations:
Jeanine: Look, CANDLES OF DOOM! I wonder what makes them so doom-worthy?
Dana: They light things on fire?

On Working Through the Pain.

[While stuffing envelopes]
Jeanine: I got a paper cut on my lip!
Dana: Work harder, maybe it'll go away.

On Internet Porn.

While looking at internet porn together:
Jeanine: Look at her boobs! They're massive!!
Dana: And they look about as delicate as turtle shells.

On Eating Healthy.

Jeanine: I need potatoes.
Dana: You need a light salad.

On Making Hamburgers.

Jeanine: Does your mom make all of her hamburgers from scratch?
Dana: Yes, she starts out by beating the cow to death.
Jeanine: *laughs* .... Does she really?
Dana: Yes, you idiot.

On Dream Jobs.

Jeanine: My dream job is owning a small used book store where you can trade books or buy and sell them.
Dana: Oh yeah?
Jeanine: Yeah. And maybe I'll have a small cafe. Yeah, but we'll only have Paul Newman's Iced Tea. And maybe brownies. And some ice cream sandwiches.
Dana: So this is a book store for fat people?

On Being Annoying.

Jeanine: Am I annoying?
Dana: No. Now shut up. You're annoying me

On Murder.

Last night was trash night and he was upstairs gathering the trash and I was at the bottom of the stairs telling him my about dream the other night wherein I murdered two people. Whenever I talk about murder (and, surprisingly, it's a lot) he yells MURDER really loudly and in a deep, creepy voice. So he's upstairs collecting trash and I'm at the bottom of the staircase and every time I pause in the story, he yells MURRRDERR:

Jeanine: and for some reason I killed them!
Dana: MURRRDERR!
Jeanine: and I don't know why! But I felt really badly about it.
Dana: MURRDERRR!
Jeanine: but I refused to look at the bodies.
Dana: :::silence:::
Jeanine: are you on the internet?
Dana: MAYYYBEEE!

On Finding Me a New Job.

Dana: You need to find a rich doctor.
Jeanine: Hahaha WHAT?
Dana: Yeah, find a rich doctor and keep me on the side as your boy toy.
Jeanine: Your careers have really gone downhill. You've gone from living off of disability to prostituting me out.
Dana: But just think about how happy you'll be making me!

On Steven Seagal and the Perfect Christmas Gift.

Jeanine: Steven Seagal is a doucebag.
Dana: I love him.
Jeanine: You are a fool.
Dana: He is everything I wish I could be. For Christmas I want a life-sized framed poster of him. And also a nose hair trimmer.
Jeanine: A nose hair trimmer??
Dana: Yes. For $5.
Jeanine: A five dollar nose hair trimmer? You might want one a little more expensive.
Dana: Nah, find a "gently used" one off of eBay.

On the Buffet.

[At our friends Mary and Jesse's wedding reception]:
Jeanine: Well, I guess we're next.
Dana: For what?
Jeanine: To get married.
Dana: Oh. I thought you meant for the buffet.

On Being Lazy.

[While on our laptops and sitting in opposite chairs]:

Jeanine [looking at a facebook friend request]: Do we know this person? Can you come look at her picture?
Dana: ::siiigh:: It's too far away... can you email it to me?

On Saving Lives.

While driving one night there was a car across the intersection with its lights off:
Jeanine: Flash your lights at him.
Dana: No! He might be a Terminator and think, "He just flashed his lights at me so I'M GOING TO KILL THEM."
Jeanine: OR he'll think, "oh shit, my lights are off" and turn them on.
Dana: OR HE'S A TERMINATOR. I just saved your life.

On the Perfect Life.

Dana: I wish I was like John and got hurt on the job. I want to get paid to stay home forever and play games all day.
Jeanine: But John's wife is a drug addict and they had three drug babies. No one's life is perfect.
Dana: But his is close.